Winchester whisperer

Puerto Princesa Underground River

2012-01-30T08:21:00.004Z

My man in Manila is very excited that the Puerto Princesa Underground River has been awarded the title "One of the New 7 Wonders of Nature". If you're going to the Philippines, the flight from Manila to Puerto Princesa takes 45 minutes. You then have to drive for two hours to Palawan, travel by boat for half an hour and then take a 40 minute smaller boat trip into the underground river. He assures me it's worth it.

Saving face

2012-01-27T10:01:00.003Z

Has anybody tried Astalift face cream? It's produced by Fujifilm on the assurance that the same chemicals prevent film negatives from fading... May be better as a sun screen?

Consecration

2012-01-26T08:22:00.002Z

Yesterday was the Feast of the Conversion of St Paul and also the Ordination and Consecration of the new Bishop of Winchester, Tim Dakin, at St Paul's Cathedral. I darted through the tents of the demonstrators still encamped around St Paul's to make my way up the steps in time for the 11am service. The atmosphere outside was unwelcoming: about 30 tents, all zipped up apart from a soup kitchen, sporting various notices, "Please knock quietly", "Donations welcome, give generously!" etc. Inside, the Cathedral was packed with almost 2000 people. The Suffragan Bishop of Bradwell in the diocese of Chelmsford was also being consecrated that day and arrivals were instructed, "Chelmsford to the left, Winchester to the right". I hastened to the right and almost bumped into the Archbishop of Canterbury, resplendent in a pink robe. Cheered by his smile, I managed to find a seat half way down, behind a huge pillar, from where there would be no view of the Bishops although I could see the pulpit.
It was a marvellous service: wonderful hymns including Charles Wesley's "O for a thousand tongues to sing" and Matthew Bridges' "Crown him with many crowns". Rowan Williams has a beautifully mellifluous voice and the sermon by the Right Reverend Stephen Cottrell, the Bishop of Chelmsford, was both amusing and instructive, his basic theme being, "Don't be seduced by the trappings of office but concentrate on being the mouth and hands of God."

Kung Hei Fatt Choy!

2012-01-20T11:45:00.001Z

Happy Year of the Black Water Dragon! Back next Thursday.

Letter of the day

2012-01-18T08:48:00.003Z

Sir,...I would like to quickly highlight the rational motivations behind this protest. As you are aware, the state of national electricity provision in Nigeria is dismal. The acronym Nepa PLC (as the Power Holding Company of Nigeria was formally known) is locally more often understood to mean "Never Expect Power Again, Please Light Candle."
A vast number of low-income households can afford only a 1kVA generator, which uses petrol, not diesel. This generator has the capacity to run maybe a fan, TV, radio and, perhaps most importantly, a lightbulb, particularly at night. For many of these families, the sudden increase in fuel costs means that this "luxury" is no longer affordable. The government is theefore literally leaving its poorest people in the dark.
This is why the protests must be understood in the context that they are, in some sense, a simple attempt to maintain sanity.
Kartik Kumar
Ikoyi Island
Lagos
Nigeria

Today's FT

Babylonian thought of the day

2012-01-17T12:02:00.006Z

"The clamour of mankind oppresses me, by their tumult I am deprived of sleep."
This was said by the god Enlil in the Atra-Hasis epic written in the 18th century BC.

January daisy

2012-01-16T12:28:00.003Z

Desperate for a quick garden fix before a party last summer, I bought a packet of fast growing seeds. "100 kinds of wild flowers will grow in six weeks" the packet promised. The day of the party arrived and only six had shown their pretty heads. (An early morning swoop on the garden centre, followed by much digging, watering and planting is not a good start to the day of a garden party...) Anyway, much to my amusement, an orange daisy suddenly appeared this weekend!

Apple's egged

2012-01-13T08:48:00.002Z

The launch of the iPhone 4S was so eagerly awaited in China that people queued overnight, shivering in -9 degrees Celsius, outside the Apple shop in Beijing which was opening early at 7am. At 7.15am the doors were still shut. "Open up!" the people shouted. An announcement was made by megaphone: "The iPhone 4S will not go on sale today!" with no further explanation. The furious crowd pelted the shop with eggs and it had to remain closed all day for safety reasons. Resellers had hired around 60 migrant workers to queue on their behalf for $19 and they were not paid for the 12 hour wait for nothing.
Meanwhile in Shanghai, people were told that the Apple shop would open at 7am but in fact they'd sold out of the 4S by 6am.

There's a Tavern in the Town

2012-01-12T08:59:00.003Z

Before Christmas, my husband and I were invited to a musical soiree in which every guest was obliged to give a musical rendition of some sort. It was, of course, my dear husband who had accepted this invitation and it was not an event which inspired me with optimism and confidence as, although I greatly enjoy music, my performances have been few, largely for the benefit of any potential listeners. "Our only hope," I said after much deliberation, "is to sing a couple of those silly Latin songs bequeathed by Professor John Crook." It took use a couple of weeks, causing us much mirth to learn "London's Burning" (Rome's burning) and "In Dublin's Fair City". On the day, we bottled out of the latter and the former, largely due to its brevity I suspect, was politely received at the soiree and eclipsed by magnificent operatic arias, piano playing and guitar strumming.
One of the Latin songs on JC's list was "There's a Tavern in the Town". We didn't know the tune but my husband found it on the internet last weekend: a most amusing rendition which had us howling with laughter. Anyway, at 4am this morning, my husband's laptop suddenly burst into song.

Fare thee well, for I must leave thee,
Do not let the parting grieve thee,
And remember that the best of friends must part, must part
Adieu, adieu, kind friends adieu, adieu, adieu,
I can no longer stay with you, stay with you,
I'll hang my harp on a weeping willow tree,
And may the world go well with thee

I wouldn't say that we howled with laughter but it did make us giggle.

Letter of the day

2012-01-11T08:36:00.002Z

Sir, With reference to David Cameron's "bazookanomics" approach to resolving the eurozone crisis: I have shot bazookas during military training. The targets were abandoned stationary tanks.
The weapon is not very accurate. In real action, if you miss, the weapon flash locates the shooter - accurately. The tank's weaponry will not miss. Hence the average life expectancy of a bazooka-shooter in the field is measured in minutes. It is the same in real-life economics.
Fred Simmons,
Montreal

Today's FT

Proposal of the day

2012-01-09T09:05:00.002Z

Robert Vickrey is Director of Romance at Royal Palms Resort in Arizona. He says "Many of our guests come here wanting to propose. We work to create the setting. We might use champagne, candles, rose petals and flamenco guitars to create one of our 'Via Capello' private dining experiences in our gardens or our old bell tower. I've released doves as couples renew their vows and set off fireworks as she says yes. As Director of Romance, I've never seen a proposal refused but it did happen when I was maitre d'. The guy had the kitchen create a dessert with 'Will you marry me?' written in chocolate. They'd only known each other a few weeks and her expression said it all; there was total silence."

Asian prices

2012-01-06T08:46:00.003Z

Proof that bubbles burst: the price of 1982 Lafite Rothschild in China has halved. Locals have been switching from Bordeaux to Burgundy and the price of La Tache rose 40% last year and Romanee-Conti 17%. Meanwhile the price of tuna is soaring in Tokyo. In the first auction of the year at Tsukiji fish market, a bluefin tuna sold for a record $736,000 or $2737 per kg.
Another amusing snippet of news is that Warren Buffett has recorded a video of him playing the guitar and singing which will be broadcast on TV in China at Chinese New Year.
One of my colleagues was lamenting the lack of stability in markets. Another replied, "Stability is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

Optical illusion of the day

2012-01-05T12:02:00.002Z

This was devised by F.C.Muller-Lyer in 1889. Looking at the three lines, people do not believe they are of the same length and skew to the right when trying to gauge the mid-point of the third line.

What's in a name?

2012-01-04T08:59:00.001Z

In the spring of 2010, I was offered shares in a new issue of a Chinese recycled paper company called Fook Woo. Unimpressed by its credentials, I declined, thereby missing a swift 26% profit from its first week of trading. Since then it has had a volatile run and is currently suspended, 40% below its issue price, as some of its employees have been charged with embezzlement and/or fraud. I admit that the company name did put me off and it now appears that there was truth in the name...

Let them eat cake

2012-01-03T09:14:00.002Z

Our most honoured guest at New Year came bearing an arm load of cakes from Laduree, including this one called the Marie Antoinette. Merci beaucoup!
Happy New Year to all - looking forward to an Olympic 2012!

Happy New Year!

2011-12-29T12:07:00.002Z

A very Happy New year to you and all your family and friends!

Crab pithiviers

2011-12-29T11:52:00.002Z

For those of you who are looking for a fishy feast post Christmas. I recommend these crab pithiviers.

Makes 6

500g puff pastry
200g tinned/fresh white crab meat
2 shallots, chopped
1 carrot, grated
30g breadcrumbs
6 teaspoons sour cream
1 egg
50g butter

Divide the pastry into 2 triangles & roll them into 40 x 30cm triangles & cool in the fridge for an hour. Fry the shallots and carrot for 5 minutes in the melted butter. Add the crab and fry for another minute. Take off the heat, stir in the breadcrumbs and leave to cool.
After an hour, set the oven to 200 degrees. Remove the pastry triangles from the fridge and mark (but don't cut out yet) each into 6 circles, 3 along the base, 2 above and 1 at the top. The circles on one of the triangles are the bases and on the other the lids so you should make the lid circles larger than those of the bases. Divide the crab mixture between the 6 bases and add a teaspoon of sour cream to the top of each one. Place the triangle indented with the lids over the top and cut around each pithivier, using water to attach and seal each lid to each base. Brush with the beaten egg and bake for 20 minutes.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-22T17:21:00.002Z

The Lighthouse of Hope

2011-12-22T17:15:00.002Z

Bankruptcy tourism

2011-12-20T08:23:00.003Z

There's an interesting article in today's FT about the differences in the bankruptcy laws of Ireland and the UK. It takes 12 years to be discharged from bankruptcy in Ireland compared to just one year in the UK. As a consequence, Irish people are relocating to the UK simply to free themselves from debt. The most prominent example is Sean Quinn, three years ago Ireland's richest man with $6bn, who declared bankruptcy in Belfast rather than in Dublin. This will enable him to be discharged in a year and to hold on to his pension. Under Irish law, pensions can be used to pay off creditors. Not surprisingly, Mr Quinn's bankruptcy is being challenged in a Belfast court by Anglo Irish Bank to which he owes E2bn. The FT also ggives the example of a couple who couldn't repay their E300,000 mortgage. They moved to Wales, cdeclared bankruptcy there and are now back in Ireland debt-free. Their verdict? "We don't have the stress of the debts and, even though we can't get a bank account, it is not the end of the world."

Fare thee well

2011-12-06T08:29:00.001Z

Off on hols. Back 20 December.

Interviews

2011-12-05T09:52:00.005Z

My colleague asked me to give a practice interview to his son who's applying to Cambridge to read Natural Sciences. This was quite a challenge as I'm not a scientist and would have no idea whether the boy's answers were correct. Anyway I managed to get hold of some real interview questions and went to see the boy. He answered the first question well: "How would you go about weighing your own head?" Of course I knew the answer in advance: completely immerse yourself in the bath and measure how much water is displaced, then immerse yourself but not your head, subtract the difference and apply the ratio to your weight.
The second question was trickier: "If you were sending a package to Australia, would it be quicker to drop it through a hole through the earth or to fire it into low earth orbit with a cannon?" The boy was grappling with the problems of friction, air resistance, the angle of the cannon etc, coming up with various equations. I pointed out to him afterwards that it didn't really matter what his conclusion was, it was the methodology which mattered. He must state his assumptions and then reach his conclusion. I am told that if you assume no friction, no air resistance, that the earth is a perfect sphere of equal density, the time of each method will be equal. (Of course I can't prove that!)
Meanwhile my colleague had to give a mock interview to his godson who's applying to Oxford to read Philosophy and Theology. The godson is a "nihilistic objectivist." When I asked my colleague what that meant, a long discussion ensued which concluded with him labelling me "a pathetic empathiser". Charming!

Fame conquering Time

2011-12-01T09:28:00.002Z

This was painted by Ippolito Scarsella in 1610. Quite fun, don't you think?

Eurobonds

2011-11-30T10:31:00.002Z

Arnaud Mares of Morgan Stanley has written a good piece on fiscal federalism in Europe. By "fiscal federalism" he means a true lender of the last resort ie a mechanism to ensure that solvent govts will never become illiquid. Who could do be such a lender? The ECB. Mathematically a government is solvent if its debt doesn’t exceed the net present value of all future primary surpluses. However, as an assessment of the size of future primary surpluses is subjective, so is the assessment of solvency. The only situation where a central bank or an independent institution can assess a government’s solvency with confidence is when there are binding and persistent constraints on the course of fiscal policy. The limits to ECB intervention are political: it has no control over the fiscal stance of member states. The constraints embedded in the Maastricht Treaty and the Stability and Growth Pact have proved neither binding nor permanent. Fiscal federalism would mean full and permanent control from the union of governments at the federal level over the fiscal stance of each member state plus a permanent mechanism to ensure that all governments which submit to this federal control are fully funded on fair and equal terms. What matters to ensure government solvency is not who gets taxed and where public spending is allocated but the size of the deficit and the trend in the debt level. Is it possible to ensure full federal control over members’ fiscal deficits? Real control will never be achieved by a backward looking penalty system eg ex-post sanctions. There must be ex-ante control by a judicial or a funding route. Under a judicial route, budgets could be submitted to the European Court of Justice for validation. If the budget were rejected, that government would not be allowed to borrow. Under a funding route, governments could borrow from a central pool of resources with joint and several guarantees from all member states under 2 conditions: 1. The amount borrowed in one year never exceeds an amount compliant with federal law (the sum of redemptions plus the budget deficit, or minus the surplus), implied by full adherence to their Stability Programme. 2. The liability so incurred is super senior to all govt expenditure including any outstanding debts, current expenditure & capital expenditure. Bonds should be issued jointly and severally by the union of governments.
Do you think this is feasible or do you think countries will bust out of the Euro?

Newspaper archive

2011-11-29T08:25:00.002Z

You can now see many historical newspapers online at www.britishnewspaperarchive.co.uk. Scanning through what is freely available, I came across this half sentence from the Newcastle Courant of Thursday 26 November 1711: "Upoircertain advice that tile Swedes ate embarieinf a good Body of Troops under the -Command of Count Stcinbock, the Danes have been fomcwhat uneafic at Co- penlugen, " The Geordie accent comes through, don't you think?

Poem of the day

2011-11-28T08:27:00.004Z

When the bus stopped suddenly to avoid
damaging a mother and child in the road,
the young lady in the green hat sitting opposite
was thrown across me, and not being one to
miss an opportunity I started to make love
with all my body.

At first she resisted saying that it was too early in the morning
and too soon after breakfast and that anyway she found
me repulsive. But when I explained that
this being a nuclear age, the world was going
to end at lunchtime, she took off her green hat,
put her bus ticket in her pocket
and joined in the exercise.

The bus people, and there were many of them,
were shocked and surprised and amused and annoyed, but when the
word got around that the world was coming to an end at
lunchtime, they put their pride in their pockets with their bus tickets and
made love one with the other. And even the bus conductor,
feeling left out, climbed into the cab and struck up some sort of
relationship with the driver.

That night, on the bus coming home,
we were all a little embarrassed, especially me and the young lady
in the green hat, and we all started to say in different ways how hasty
and foolish we had been. But then, always having been a bit of a lad,

I stood up and said it was a pity that the world didn’t nearly end every lunchtime

And that we could always pretend. And then it happened…….

Quick as a crash we all changed partners
and soon the bus was a quiver with white
moth ball bodies doing naughty things.

And the next day
And everyday
In every bus
In every street
In every town
In every country

people pretended that the world was coming
to an end at lunchtime. It still hasn’t
Although in a way it has.

” At Lunchtime – A story of Love” - Roger McGough 1967

Italian austerity

2011-11-25T15:16:00.002Z

Private Eye

Dress of the day

2011-11-25T08:19:00.001Z

It was 50 years ago today that Marilyn Monroe wore That Dress which had to be sewn on.

Poem of the day

2011-11-24T08:46:00.002Z

The things that have been and shall be no more,
The things that are, and that hereafter shall be,
The things that might have been, and yet were not,
The fading twilight of great joys departed,
The daybreak of great truths as yet unrisen,
The intuition and the expectation
Of something, which, when come, is not the same,
But only like its forecast in men's dreams,
The longing, the delay, and the delight,
Sweeter for the delay; youth, hope, love, death,
And disappointment which is also death,
All these make up the sum of human life;
A dream within a dream, a wind at night
Howling across the desert in despair,
Seeking for something lost, it cannot find.
Fate or foreseeing, or whatever name
Men call it, matters not; what is to be
Hath been fore-written in the thought divine
From the beginning. None can hide from it,
But it will find him out; nor run from it,
But it o'ertaketh him! The Lord hath said it.

Excerpt from Longfellow's Divine Tragedy (1871)

St Cecilia

2011-11-22T08:19:00.002Z

Today is the day of St Cecilia, patron saint of music. She was a Christian, the daughter of a Roman senator and married a noble pagan called Valerianus. On the wedding night, Cecilia told her husband that she was in fact already betrothed to an angel who fiercely guarded her body so he should not violate her virginity. Sceptical, Valerianus demanded to see the angel and Cecilia sent him to the third milestone on the Appian Way where he should meet Pope Urbanus. Valerianus did this. was baptised by the Pope and returned to his wife. An angel then appeared to them both and crowned them with roses and lilies.
They then converted Valerianus' brother Tiburtius and the three went on to lead a Christian life, giving alms and burying the bodies of Christian martyrs. They were all condemned to death by the prefect Turcius Almachius. The two brothers were sought out by the officer Maximus but they succeeded in converting him. Turcius Almachius was so infuriated that he had all three men executed and Cecilia buried them in a single tomb.
Cecilia herself was then captured and condemned to death by suffocating in her bath. She survived that, however, and so they decided to behead her, which they managed after three attempts. As she was dying, she sang to God.

Salop

2011-11-21T08:34:00.002Z

I spent a very enjoyable weekend in Shropshire. Did you know that Much Wenlock is the birthplace of the modern Olympic Games? A resident of that town, Dr William Penny Brookes (1809-1895), led a campaign to put Physical Education into the school curriculum and this cause brought him into contact with Baron Pierre de Coubertin. In 1890 de Coubertin came to stay with Dr Brookes in Much Wenlock and the town staged a mock Olympic Games in his honour. This inspired the Baron to set up the International Olympic Committee in 1894 which was followed by the Athens Olympic Games in 1896.

Nostalgia

2011-11-18T09:04:00.002Z

My aunt who will be 90 next year ("April the 2nd, not the 1st!") was lamenting to me how much England has changed during her lifetime. When she was 4 she used to go and play in the local park on her own and talk to all the old men who were sitting on the benches. One day, one of them asked her, "Could you do something for me?" "Yes!" she replied confidently. "I know you come to this park everyday and I'm going to be away next week." He rummaged in his pocket and produced a clean, empty bottle. "Could you ask your Mummy to put some milk in this bottle and could you put a little in the bowl for the stray cat everyday. You know where his bowl is." "Oh yes!" my aunt replied, feeling 10 feet tall.

Vienna - Birmingham for £20,000

2011-11-17T12:08:00.002Z

The story of the 180 air passengers en route from Amritsar to Birmingham may be an omen of things to come. They were on a stopover in Vienna when the cabin crew announced that the Austrian carrier, Comtel Air, had run out of money and the only way to continue to Birmingham was for the passengers to pay £20,000 to refuel the plane. Otherwise they and their luggage would be removed from the plane. Passengers were escorted to cashpoint machines amidst uproar and the sum was eventually raised through IOUs.

Russia: Vlad's Army

2011-11-15T09:01:00.003Z

If you didn't see Peter Oborne's documentary about the Putin Youth, it's definitely worth watching. Here's the link:

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/unreported-world/articles/the-making-of-russia-vlads-army

Brainwashing, hysteria or simply a genuine belief that Putin has made and will continue to make Russia great?

Quotation of the day

2011-11-14T09:26:00.002Z

"As I sat in the bathtub, soaping a meditative foot and singing, if I remember correctly, 'Pale Hands I Loved Beside the Shalimar', it would be deceiving my public to say that I was feeling boomps-a-daisy."

P.G.Woodhouse Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit

Bad joke of the day

2011-11-11T08:47:00.001Z

Why don't worms have balls?

Because they can't find gowns to fit them.

Moral hazard

2011-11-10T08:29:00.002Z

When HSBC reported its results yesterday, it revealed that there has been a $1bn increase in bad debt at its legacy US mortgage business. They have complained in the past how costly and cumbersome it is to maintain homes of customers who've simply posted the house keys back to the bank and cleared out. Grass needs mowing, gardens watering and weeding etc. Yesterday they said that they have more problems because customers are deciding unilaterally to take mortgage holidays, believing that their homes will not be repossessed. The political difficulty of seizing defaulted customers' homes has become a moral hazard which will encourage others to default.

Greek bailout plan

2011-11-08T08:20:00.002Z

Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody is living on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through a town in Greece , stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works.

The Other Place

2011-11-07T08:26:00.002Z

I was invited to a graduation ceremony at The Sheldonian Theatre in Oxford on Saturday which was great fun. The Sheldonian is so-called because it was funded, in 1664, by Gilbert Sheldon, Archbishop of Canterbury and a former Warden of All Souls. It was designed by a young Christopher Wren, then Professor of Astronomy at Oxford and with little practical experience of building. He wanted to base the design on that of a Roman theatre. Roman theatres were, of course, open air and so the problem was how build the same structure in Oxford with a roof but without any load-bearing columns in the central space. Wren designed a roof truss spanning seventy feet, a technical achievement which gained him enormous credit in scientific and architectural circles.
The truss is concealed by a ceiling painted by Robert Streater. The theme is the triumph of the Arts and Sciences over Envy, Rapine and "brutish scoffing ignorance".

St Mark

2011-11-04T08:19:00.002Z

The speaker at yesterday's annual Friends of Winchester Cathedral lecture was John Julius Norwich and he entertained us for an hour, talking about the history of Venice. He reminded us of the story of how St Mark's body came to that city.
Venice had no Roman history, having been settled in the 400-600s by Italians fleeing barbarian assaults. It became wealthy through trade and was considered "nouveau riche" by other cities in Italy. It therefore decided to get some history of its own in the form of a relic and an important relic was what it really wanted ie one of the four apostles.
It set its sights on the body of St Mark which was housed in a tomb in Alexandria and in 828 sent two merchants to steal it, on the justification that Alexandria was at that time a Muslim city so St Mark was not receiving his due reverence. The merchants bribed the Arab officials, snatched the body and got it through the Alexandrian customs by covering it with pork. On the voyage back to Venice, the ship was struggling in a storm and St Mark leapt out of his relics and steered it back to safety.

Franglais of the week

2011-11-03T08:14:00.006Z

Monsieur Cameron: (Pour c'est lui). Bonjour Sarko. Comment ca va avec votre new bebe?
Sarko: Que'st-ce que vous care, rosbif? Vous n'etes-pas welcome ici! Vous n'etes-pas dans l'Euro Zone!
Cameron: Thankez God! Vous et votre amie Frau Merkel must faire quelque chose et pretty damm rapidement!!! Comme nous dites en Angleterre, "Nous Somme tout dans it, ensemble!"
Sarko: Taisez-vous up Monsieur Bullingdon! Je suis sick de vous et votre bum-chum Osborne telling moi que faire!!
Cameron: Ooh la la! Je pense que vous avez un tres SHORT temper, comme everything else!!
Tout le monde: Ha, ha, ha, Sarko est court comme un hobbit!!
Frau Merkel: Achtung! Schweinhund! Das ist serious!
Berlo: Mamma Mia! Quelle vache horride!! Je ne veux pas shagger her n'est-ce pas?!
Cameron: Mais qu'est que nous allons faire?
Sarko: Nous allons faire quelque chose tres complex et tres effective, marquez mes mots. Mais nous ne vous tellerons pas parce que vous n'etes pas One de Nous!
Cameron: Typiques Grenouilles!

Private Eye 50th Anniversary Issue

Back to basics

2011-11-01T08:32:00.003Z

My friend's daughter is working with elderly people. She was gazing out of the window of the residential home where she works and remarked, "Look at the sky: it's a beautiful blue!" An elderly lady replied, "But has it a hood?" I had to admit to my friend that this remark meant nothing to me. Her clever daughter, however, knew exactly was she was referring to: A.A.Milne's poem Vespers.

'Little Boy kneels at the foot of the bed,
Droops on the little hands little gold head.
Hush! Hush! Whisper who dares!
Christopher Robin is saying his prayers...

If I open my fingers a little bit more,
I can see Nanny's dressing-gown on the door.
It's a beautiful blue, but it hasn't a hood.
Oh! God bless Nanny and make her good.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-28T09:31:00.002Z

I shan't be here on Monday, so this is in anticipation. The photo is from Dr Paul Koudounaris' cheery sounding book "The Empire of Death: A Cultural History of Ossuaries and Charnel Houses"

William Morris

2011-10-27T08:22:00.003Z

I'm dying to see the William Morris exhibition which opens tomorrow at Two Temple Place, London WC2, and runs until 29 January 2012.

The dodgy duo

2011-10-26T08:38:00.004Z

I'm still engrossed in Andrew Rawnsley's The End of the Party. Here's another excerpt from 2004:
Camels grunted in the background. Blair had been warned that Gaddafi would probably offer him camel milk. He was told not to touch the stuff, which was notorious for causing flatulence. That was why Gaddafi would offer it.
Dressed in an ankle-length maroon robe, with a matching velvet cap, Gaddafi lounged back in his seat. He displayed the sole of his foot - a highly insulting gesture in the Muslim world - at Blair. This was designed to play to the Arab street when they saw the encounter on television. The Prime Minister pretended he hadn't noticed what the dictator was up to. Over lunch, he talked about New Labour's version of the "Third Way". Gaddafi delved into his robe and produced a copy of his "Third Universal Theory". He then offered some suggestions on how to run a totalitarian state. When Tony Blair used to talk about "Big Tent" politics, he never imagined that it would encompass sharing fish couscous in a Bedouin marquee with Colonel Gaddafi.

Thought of the day

2011-10-24T09:03:00.001Z

Justice?

2011-10-21T07:47:00.002Z

Osama bin Laden, Anwar Al Awlaki and now Gaddafi, all assassinated in the name of "democracy". What do you think about that? Are they simply cases of "live by terror, die by terror"? Or is the West far too trigger-happy? Our political system is based on law and I think these men should have been brought to trial. To murder individuals in the name of democracy, debases us all.

RIP Gaddafi

2011-10-20T14:50:00.001Z

Is that Hercule Poirot behind Gaddafi?

Funereal humour

2011-10-20T08:01:00.002Z

Another week, another funeral, seems to be my life at the moment. This week's was dearly beloved Emma, after a 7 year battle with cancer, the first death amongst our year at St John's College, Cambridge. There was a good turnout from our group of friends. One of them kept saying, regarding who should have died first, "It should have been H!" (H being a hard drinking rugby player who was also at the funeral.) Another's farewell words to me were, "Goodbye WW, see you at the next one."

Remember, remember

2011-10-19T11:27:00.002Z

I took my father to the doctor's for a formal memory test this morning.

Doctor: I have 30 questions for you, some very stupid, some more challenging. The first one is which year is it?
Father: Ummm...I'm not sure about that.
Doctor: Which season is it?
Father: Autumn.
Doctor: Which month is it?
Father: September.
Doctor: Which day is it?
Father: Tuesday.
Doctor: What's the date?
Father: Is it the 18th?
Doctor: Which country are we living in?
Father: England, I hope.
Doctor: Which county?
Father: Hampshire.
Doctor: Which town?
Father: We live in a city...Winchester.
Doctor: Please spell WORLD backwards.
Father (whose hearing's not good): DROW.

And so it went on. My father answered 20 out of 30 questions correctly. The pass mark was 26 so he is being referred to a memory clinic. When we were walking home he asked me, "What were we doing at the doctor's?"

Letter of the day

2011-10-18T11:01:00.002Z

Sir,..Themistocles had a problem raising taxes from an island called Andros, and told them he had two great gods to aid him, Peitho (Persuasion) and Ananke (Necessity), and that the Andrians must therefore pay up. The Andrians replied, "We have two unserviceable gods who never quit our island; namely, Penia (Poverty) and Amekhania (Helplessness). Since we are in the hands of these gods, we will give you no money. Your power can never be stronger than our inability."
This was 2500 years ago (and the currency then was the drachma). I have two questions: first, will the Greeks pay even 20 per cent of their euro debts? Second, will the euro last 2500 years?
Richard Ronald,
Ronald Associates
Hemel Hempstead

Today's FT

The End of the Party

2011-10-14T08:05:00.004Z

I'm currently engrossed in The End of the Party by Andrew Rawnsley, about the rise and fall of New Labour. It's a riveting account. Here's an extract about events in London on 9/11:
The Cabinet Secretary was lunching at Gran Paradiso, his favourite London restaurant. Sir Richard Wilson heard about the first plane from his driver, Gary. "I bet that's some amateur," remarked Sir Richard as he got into the back of his limousine. As they set off back to Number 10, he learnt about the second plane from the car radio. Jeremy Heywood, the Principal Private Secretary, rang as Wilson's car was rounding Parliament Square. "We've been told the White House is evacuating," reported Heywood. "Should we be evacuating?" "If you evacuate, where would you evacuate to?" responded Wilson. He had a mental image of the entire staff of Number 10 and the Cabinet Office standing in the street clutching their laptops and mobiles looking lost. "I think it's a good rule not to evacuate unless you had an idea of where you are going to evacuate to," Wilson drily told Heywood.

Men!

2011-10-13T13:33:00.002Z

My colleague's beautiful blonde daughter went to look around Portsmouth University with a view to reading Paramedic Science. A man from the department there remarked to her, "You don't look like the type of girl who'd do Paramedic Science. You look more like a girl who'd do Beauty Therapy!" "That's discrimination!" the girl observed and, turning on her heels whilst flicking her hair, she added, "I don't want to study at this awful place anyway!"

Sirmione

2011-10-11T08:44:00.002Z

Paene insularum, Sirmio, insularumque
Ocelle, quascumque in liquentibus stagnis
Marique vasto fert uterque Neptunus,
Quam te libenter quamque laetus inviso...

Bright jewel of headlands, bright jewel of the seas,
And Neptune's lake, oh Sirmio, you shine
Sparkling and beautiful, of restful ease
And joy. The thought that you are mine
Turns all my cares to untold delights
On seeing you again

So wrote Catullus when he returned to his family home at Sirmio in around 64BC, and his description of this place at the end of a small peninsula on the south side of Lake Garda, still holds true. I strongly recommend a visit. Glorious weather, stunning scenery and some amusing translations including, "Menu of the salty water" and "Menu of the beasts and the air."

There are the remains of a substantial Roman villa, built at the end of the first century BC. I noticed a pair of gleaming amber eyes looking out from one of its rooms above the tourist path: a sleek black cat is now the occupier.

Arrivederci

2011-09-30T08:43:00.001Z

Back 11 October.

The sad story of the blackbird

2011-09-28T07:56:00.002Z

One evening last October I came home from work and was opening the back door to get in when I nearly tripped over a female blackbird huddled on the doorstep, her feathers ruffled and not looking at all well. Panicking that she'd jump inside, I shut the door quickly and went in the front door instead.
When my dear husband returned an hour later, I asked him to go and see if she was still there. Yes she was and she was clearly unwell. He took out a saucer of water and some bread for her. Two hours later she was still there. We called the RSPCA for advice. They said it was very common for birds to shelter on doorsteps for warmth in the autumn and to call again in the morning if she was still there.
The following morning I went out of the house through the front door and went round to the back: hurrah, she'd gone! I was reversing my car out and then I noticed her in the headlights. She was in the corner of the courtyard, looking perkier than the previous night. I got out of the car and approached her. She was not amused and hopped towards me, head down, squawking at the top of her voice.
I was worried about her because my neighbour has two vicious cats and it didn't look as if she was up to flying. Anyway, I left her and was driving away when I happened to see my gardener. I told him the story and he promised to take her away from my garden in order to save her from the cats.
When I got home from work that evening there was no sign of her. Phew! I bumped into my gardener three days later. "So you found the bird?" I asked him. "Well..." he began, "I did go to look for her but couldn't see her. However, I did find her yesterday: near the rose bed, without her head."

Dogs of the week

2011-09-27T09:12:00.003Z

Poem of the day

2011-09-27T08:43:00.002Z

Cargoes

Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir,
Rowing home to haven in sunny Palestine,
With a cargo of ivory,
And apes and peacocks,
Sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine.

Stately Spanish galleon coming from the Isthmus,
Dipping through the Tropics by the palm-green shores,
With a cargo of diamonds,
Emeralds, amythysts,
Topazes, and cinnamon, and gold moidores.

Dirty British coaster with a salt-caked smoke stack,
Butting through the Channel in the mad March days,
With a cargo of Tyne coal,
Road-rails, pig-lead,
Firewood, iron-ware, and cheap tin trays.

John Masefield

New sermon on the mount

2011-09-26T08:06:00.004Z

How do you like David Hockney's interpretation of Claude Lorrain's 1656 painting?

Rug stats

2011-09-23T09:00:00.002Z

I met an Indian hair oil company yesterday. Before the meeting officially began, I was talking to the Head of Investor Relations who told me that 96% of Indians use hair oil as they believe it is good for the health. 52% of the company's customers are men and 48% women. The women, he said, use more oil as they have more hair. The Finance Director then entered the room and the meeting began. He explained in more detail why the oil is good for the health: "It is massaged into the scalp and the essential oil rejuvenates the skin. Hair is dead but rubbing oil into its roots is beneficial for health." I took up this issue with the IR man, "If the oil is used to massage the scalp rather than the hair, why should women use more?" "Oh," he said, "the reason is that women's hair density per square inch of the head is three times greater than men's." Is that true?

Snooze of the day

2011-09-21T07:37:00.001Z

Racing to a decision

2011-09-21T07:32:00.003Z

It is staggering that the board of UBS is flying to Singapore in order to make decisions regarding risk control post the Adoboli scandal...just so they can watch the Grand Prix. That alone is a reason to sack Oswald Gruebel.

Bling of the day

2011-09-20T08:05:00.003Z

If you have £2.9m to spare, you could buy a gold plated Tata Nano. It boasts amongst its constituent parts, 80kg gold, 15kg silver and 10,000 precious and semi-precious stones. You'd better have a secure garage, though.

Letter of the day

2011-09-19T08:35:00.002Z

Sir, If the so-called unauthorised trades had resulted in a $2bn profit, would the "rogue" trader have been arrested? Would anyone even hear about it? Would UBS cancel the trades and return the profits to the counterparties? The answers are no, no and no.
Stan Trybulski
Branford
Connecticut
US

Turban of the day

2011-09-19T08:15:00.002Z

The man on the left is Narendra Modi, chief minister of Gujarat, who has begun a three day fast to promote communal harmony.

The grim reaper

2011-09-16T08:47:00.002Z

This has been the worst week of the year: one friend died, one was pronounced terminally ill and two were diagnosed with cancer. I define "a good year" as being one without a funeral. Haven't had one of those since 2006...

Spectacle(s) of the day

2011-09-14T16:05:00.002Z

Virtual shopping

2011-09-13T12:58:00.002Z

The Korean company, Homeplus, has taken shopping to a new level by launching the world's first virtual shop in the Seoulleung subway station at Gangnam, south Seoul. Customers can buy 500 different types of processed food and household goods shown on the virtual display by scanning the bar codes using their smartphones. They then choose their delivery time and look forward to their shopping being delivered to their door.

Lies, damned lies and statistics

2011-09-12T14:29:00.002Z

My American friends' friends adopted an Afro-Caribbean child. They were moving to Massachusetts and, not wishing their new son to feel out of place at school, trawled the census statistics to find the most ethnically diverse town which would fit their requirements. They needled in on Concord, found a house and moved in. Their son started at his new school. He was the only non-white boy there. They could see no non-whites on the streets of Concord. They raised the question with the headmaster of the school. "Oh, that's a statistical anomaly!" he said. "The 12.5% non-white population all comes from the prison which is within Concord for census purposes." Just goes to show, it's worth visiting a place/school before making decisions.

Malapropism of the day

2011-09-09T07:56:00.003Z

There's a notice at the reception of the local gym in Bournemouth saying, "The spa is closed for repairs. This will take a few days as the work is difficult and odious." When asked why it was odious work, the manager said he was simply repeating what the contractor had told him. He looked bewildered at the possibility that the contractor may have said "onerous" instead. Then again, maybe he said "odorous".

A numbers game

2011-09-08T07:39:00.004Z

Apologies to all my readers for this blog being sabotaged. I don't know how to debug it. Anyway, I managed to get in today via blogspot.com.
My American colleague's baby is due on 9/11. He's hoping it will be born at 8 minutes past 7 on 9/10. His mother-in-law is praying for 9 minutes past 9 on 9/9.

Baby of the day

2011-09-02T15:16:00.001Z

Outfit of the week

2011-09-01T08:17:00.002Z

Curse of the day

2011-08-31T07:59:00.002Z

This sheet of lead is given to Mercury, that he exact vengeance for the gloves which have been lost; that he take blood and health from the person who has stolen them...

This curse tablet was found in Uley, Gloucestershire and dates from the second century AD.

Breath of God

2011-08-30T13:04:00.002Z

The Parker Library at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge has a magnificent collection of Mediaeval manuscripts and early printed books. One of these is a sixth century Gospel book from Canterbury, a present from Pope Gregory the Great to St Augustine, the first Archbishop of Canterbury. This book has been carried in procession in the service of enthronement of every Archbishop of Canterbury since 598.
During the service of enthronement of Archbishop Rowan Williams in February 2003, the book was carried, open, on a cushion held by one of the party processing down the aisle of Canterbury Cathedral. To the amazement of the man holding it, its pages began to ripple, as if moved by the Holy Ghost, adding to the spirituality of the occasion. It was only after the service that he discovered the human reason for the movement of the pages: the sound waves and breath from 4000 people singing, facing the procession from both sides of the cathedral.

No we Kan't...Yes we can...In a hole

2011-08-26T08:55:00.005Z

Alternative captions anybody?

Anna Hazare

2011-08-25T08:20:00.004Z

Quotation from one of my Indian brokers, "If the current campaign by Anna Hazare helps bring down corruption to historic mean levels (from the highs of the recent past), that in itself would be a big boost for the Indian economy and markets. In my opinion, Dr. Manmohan Singh is India's best best in helping achieve that as he is probably the only politician - repeat only politician - who can claim that he has not sinned and, therefore, can 'cast the first stone'. An Indian politician without corruption is like a fish out of water."

Boo boo of the day

2011-08-24T13:08:00.002Z

Paradox of the day

2011-08-23T08:29:00.003Z

"Epimenides the Cretan says all Cretans are liars."

Epimenides was a mystic and a philosopher who wrote in the sixth century BC. His main claim to fame was that he lived for nearly 300 years, 57 of them asleep in a cave. After his death, his skin was preserved in Sparta but history does not relate how long it lasted.

Marmalade is tasty if it's very thickly spread

2011-08-22T09:37:00.002Z

My dear father's memory, sight and hearing are all failing which is sad and frustrating for him. He manages well generally, nevertheless, and makes his own breakfast and lunch every day during the week, having learned to use a microwave aged 88. Muesli and toast and marmalade are his weekday breakfast, therefore, to make a change, I always cook him eggs at the weekend. On Saturday, however, horror of horrors, there were no eggs in the fridge. "Would you like smoked salmon on toast instead?" I asked. "Yes, that sounds very nice," he replied. I spread some butter on the hot toast, topped it with salmon and a squeeze of lemon, presented it to him and carried on making some for myself. "This marmalade is very good!" he said. "What did you say it is?"

Cartoon of the day

2011-08-18T10:37:00.003Z

There's a cartoon by Roger Beale in today's FT of a man holding a letter in his hand and saying to his wife, "It's his A Level results. I suppose we just redirect them to the prison."

Photo of the month

2011-08-16T15:44:00.001Z

For my dog-loving readers: do you like the sausage dog lead?

Dramatic pricing

2011-08-16T09:03:00.002Z

Burma's currency, the kyat, has something in common with the Swiss Franc: both have risen around 25% against the US dollar over the past year. Last year the Burmese government launched a huge privatisation programme, selling ports, petrol stations, land and state-owned businesses. All assets had to be paid for in kyat. This meant that those generals and businessmen who wanted to participate had to convert their offshore dollar savings, causing the kyat to soar. Property prices are going through the roof: a theatre in central Rangoon has sold for US$63m.

Heroes of the month

2011-08-15T16:15:00.002Z

Thought for the day

2011-08-12T09:22:00.002Z

An Indian broker tells me this today: In the Indian epic, Mahabharat by Sage Vyasa, there is an episode in which the Lord of Death in disguise as the demigod Yaksha tests the wisdom of King Yudishtira, the king known for righteousness,by asking several questions. The questions asked by Yaksha, and the answers given by the King have been branded as “Yaksha Prashna" (questions of Yaksha).

One of the questions that was asked by the Lord of Death was:

Question: Who is a happy man?
Answer: The person who has no debt is a happy man.

Mountainous prices

2011-08-11T15:33:00.004Z

My friends have bought a ski chalet in Switzerland which they are intending to use three times a year but otherwise to let. They have been looking for local staff to help them with the admin and the cleaning and have been told that the standard rate for cleaners in the Alps is £50 per hour!

A haven of honesty

2011-08-10T09:14:00.003Z

I am very grateful that there have been no riots in my vicinity. My friend in Clapham said the only shop not looted on St John's Road was Waterstone's. To put things in context, my most recent main distress was losing my watch. I'd just bought a shiny mock-croc daffodil coloured new strap for it, cheered by the prospect of sunshine on my wrist. I fitted the strap myself and it was rather loose. In fact, it was so loose that it fell off twice on the first day of its new ensemble. Regardless of this, I wore it to work and was mortified to discover on Monday afternoon that my wrist was bare. The watch was not in the office, not in my car, not in the area between. I'd visited Asda in Bournemouth at lunchtime so, as an outside chance, I went back there yesterday lunchtime. The girl at the lost property desk got out her book. The first three articles found in the supermarket on Monday were a five pound note, a Samsung mobile phone and a watch. "What's the description of your watch?" she asked. "It's most notable feature was a bright yellow strap," I replied. "Yes, it's here." she said, delving into a polythene bag in the safe labelled 8 August. The sunshine had returned.

Mad mass destruction

2011-08-09T07:54:00.003Z

Not sure if this is Enfield or global equity markets

RIP Millangoda Raja

2011-08-04T13:05:00.002Z

This Sri Lankan elephant is thought to have had the longest tusks in Asia and was about 70 when he died.

RIP Lucian Freud

2011-07-22T09:45:00.000Z

Joke of the day

2011-07-21T09:30:00.003Z

Courtesy of Wynne Evans...."I was taking my two children to the Natural History Museum and, going through the shop on the way out, (why are there always shops on the way out of places?), my little girl was struck by a gopping piece of pink plastic and insisted on having it. I refused and she started to scream. No way was I going to buy this garbage. She screamed louder. 'We're leaving, come on,' I said. She screamed even louder. 'We'll have to leave you behind if you don't come,' I declared and started walking away with my two year old son. She stood her ground, red faced and hysterical. We walked outside the shop (I could still see my daughter through the window) and then my son started to cry. 'What's the matter with you?' I asked, at the end of my tether. 'I really liked her!' he replied tearfully."

Boris

2011-07-18T08:45:00.002Z

An ex-hack, he's hacked off that he was a hackee

St Swithun's revenge

2011-07-16T09:55:00.004Z

It rained in Winchester yesterday, is pouring today, so roll on 25 August!

Painting of the day

2011-07-14T12:48:00.001Z

Circles in the sky

2011-07-13T09:34:00.002Z

I went to a lecture by Sir Roger Penrose, Emeritus Professor of Maths at Oxford, on the subject of the universe pre-Big Bang (ie over 14 thousand million years ago). He now believes that the universe is in a continuous cycle of beginning, expanding, contracting and beginning again with another Bang. He thinks black holes become relatively warm when the universe contracts and this causes them to shrivel up and that circles in the cosmic microwaves may be traces of black holes in the preceding universe. Will we all reappear in a future universe, thousands of millions of years from now? He didn't express a view about history repeating itself.

in memoriam

2011-07-11T08:33:00.003Z

So. Farewell then
News of the World,
Sunday school for scandal.

You scoured the gutters
for grizzly stories

sensational
and lewd.

But hassling
the dead for your

copy source
left you really
Screwed.

Anyone for anagrams?

2011-07-05T17:17:00.005Z

My feeble shot at Yingluck Shinawatra, the new Prime Minister of Thailand is - A LUCKY SWING - RAIN HAT!

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

2011-07-05T16:14:00.002Z

I agree with Charlie Beckett of the LSE that Rebekah Brooks should not be in charge of overseeing News International's probe into phone hacking. She has a conflict of interests, having been editor at the time of the alleged sickening hacking of Milly Dowler's phone.

Song of the day

2011-07-04T09:34:00.002Z

I heard Bryn Terfel singing this jolly song at The Grange last week:

I chanced upon a big brown bear
a gruff old bear was he.
He basked content within his lair,
I looked at him, and he looked at me.
And all he said was "GRRR!" Ah me.
And all he said was "GRRR!"

That big brown bear just hugged his lair,
And blinked a twinkling eye.
He ne'er as much as moved a hair,
But scared to death was trembling I.
And all he said was "GRRR!" Oh My.
And all he said was "GRRR!"

I doubted his sublime intent,
and did not stay for proof;
my heels in flight were swiftly bent,
for I'm inclined to stay aloof,
when big brown bears say "GRRR!"
Oh my, Oh my,
Oh my, Oh my, Oh my.
When big brown bears say

"WOOF!"

When in Kabul...

2011-06-28T09:42:00.002Z

In an article in today's FT about Chinese expatriate workers, one of them says, "When we were sent to Afghanistan, lessons about which fork and knife to use were completely useless. It was crucial for survival to understand that you couldn't hang out on the roof bare-chested to cool down from the heat - the neighbours will shoot you as they think you intend to molest their wives."