Wednesday, January 21, 2009

American letter of the day

Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a D in history and an F in science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your Loving Daughter


Blogger kinglear said...

Har har - yes. Many years ago the mother of one of my daughter's friends assured me that she would simply die of shame if her daughter became an unmarried mother. I suugested it would hardly be that bad and that if at least she could talk to her daughter about it, that would be a guide as to how good a job she had done as a parent. She hasn't spoken to me since.

12:06 pm  
Blogger Eurodog said...

Absolutely love it.

9:52 am  
Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

My husband feels mightily relieved we have two sons for this very reason.

10:33 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home