George Carlin jokes of the day
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why is it called the tourist season of we can't shoot them?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn plane made out of that s**t?
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is you can't post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your two best friends. If they're ok, then it must be you.