Thursday, July 04, 2013

CV of the day

My name is Benedict le Gauche and I was born on 02/05/85 which makes me 28 and ripe as a lemon. I’m looking for a job I’ll like. As a man of integrity I’m not about to try and give you the impression that all the jobs I’ve had previously were brilliant learning experiences tailor-made to equip me for precisely the job I’m applying for (hello you) when in reality they have been, for the greater part, boring and drudgerous and disheartening. I should state I was not bad at them. The capacity to bear such trials whilst retaining an atmost-times sunny disposition might be called something like ‘the ability to work under pressure’.Yes. I wasn’t bad. I was good in fact – I can’t think of a job I wasn’t good at. (I can: a call centre job at a company called GOVNET– ‘a communication tool that government uses to communicate with the third sector’ and home to the most disastrous horseshit I’ve had the pleasure of peddling, commercially.) So, but via some kind of weird pride or fear of being disliked I have hitherto been inspired to perform above averagely for every company I’ve ever worked for and believe that I can harness this same  fear in the furthering of your company goals. Who knows? I might even like the job! Though this is statistically improbable. Some short sentences about me: I excel at customer service – really fly, you should see. I can lift more than it looks like I can lift. I like working on my own if there isn’t anyone fun to work with, but can also stand the company of people I hold in contempt and am, in this sense, versatile. I can work incredibly long hours, and will work for very little money. I have ginger hair and for a lot of people this is a talking point. Sometimes I do not feel like I am completely in control of myself and I have to pinch myself very hard. I like the great outdoors. As of the 11th January 2013 I am free from all venereal disease. Thanks for taking the time out to read my application. I’ve tried my best to be honest. I really excel  at customer service and do, through great force of will and habit, hide the worst of my qualities.


Anonymous kinglear said...

Ah - if only he wasn't a Ginge. Doesn't bother me at all you understand - some of my best friends are Gingies - but others, you know....

7:23 am  
Anonymous Portinari said...

Not, no, never would I ever consider employing this gorm! 'Excel at Customer service'- Is that not enough?

And, Kinglear, what is wrong with a Ginge, as you call them? Some no - many of those whom I have loved have had glorious pre-Raphaelite colouring.

9:12 am  
Blogger Angus said...

Could I send on the name of a French solar powered swimming pool cover manufacturer ? With thosse skill sets he would rise to the top quickly .

1:10 pm  
Anonymous Portinari non rosso said...

I've been thinking about this 'Ginge' business. I conclude that it could be an atavistic Saxon fear of marauding Vikings.
"Pull up the ladder, Cuthbert, and let's hope those red haired monsters push off rapidamente2.

9:12 am  
Anonymous kinglear said...

Ah Mr. P there is a HUGE difference between the pre-Raphaelite colouring of a gorgeous creature and what I - living in Glasgow - come across daily in the street. Small shifty eyed people with GINGER HAIR and reddish faces - bit like him really. And, from experience, to be trusted only as far as you cam throw them....Which is pretty much what this CV suggests.

11:35 am  
Anonymous kinglear said...

Rapidamente? I have noticed we Brits pepper our speech with such expressions . Toot sweet,springs to mind. I feel it is probably our natural diffidence until pushed. We would never say to somebody quickly or as the Americans say NOW, goddammit. No, for us the almost request - toot sweet if you would be so kind, or even rapidamente if it was seriously urgent.

11:39 am  
Blogger Winchester whisperer said...

LOL all! (I don't think Andy Murray has red hair...)

4:50 pm  
Anonymous kinglear said...

I always remember George Mikes description of an Italian in love, wringing his hands, throwing himself about and saying if the object of his desires would not be his, he would kill himself. The Englishman on the other hand, desperately, desperately in love, might pat her on the shoulder and opine " Your not a bad old stick, really"

9:58 am  

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